Chapter 4, Entry 2

Today is Wednesday, April 25th 2012.  I'm feeling okay these days.  Working more than I usually do, so I'm surprised that I'm okay.  At least I'm okay so far.  I was feeling depressed more often than not and I had zero energy.  The doctor changed my medicines up a little at my last visit, so now I am now taking 1mg of Risperdone and 300 mg of Wellbutrin a day.  And she's taken me off the Trazodone all together.  She also suggested I take 1,000 IU of Vitamin D.  I feel some better, but still not where I'd like to be. 

Some days I am so tired it's I have to force myself to even shower.  I still don't like going out of the house that much.  I just don't like dealing with people.  I even have a hard time writing anymore, it's so hard to think and my mind just gets carried away or goes blank. Whenever I'm working I always feel self conscious and less than perfect, actually far from perfect.  I feel as though everyone notices every little thing I do wrong. 

I get so frustrated with myself sometimes.  I wish I was normal, whatever that is I don't really know.  I guess I have never known.   Sometimes I feel so lost and alone.  I often wonder what is the meaning of my existence.  I try to keep myself from thinking those darker thoughts, but they still slip into my mind on occasion.  I just try not to dwell on them.  But for now, I am doing okay, and yes, just "okay", but that is good for me.  Today, I am fighting a bit of depression, as I get when I stay inside the house all day, but I don't have anywhere to go, nor do I want to.  I'm trying to fight these feelings.    Right now, I'm just going to try to relax and just enjoy my time off work until I work again this weekend.  So that's all for now until next time. 

Chapter 4, Entry 1

Wow, today is Thursday, March 29, 2012!  I haven't wrote since Christmas.  I just haven't been in the writing mood.  I made it through Christmas somehow, it actually went better than I thought it would.  So what's been up lately, well I just went to the doctor Monday and told them how I've been depressed and how totally exhausted I've been, so they changed up my medications.  I'm now taking two Wellbutrins a day instead of one and taking only one risperdone instead of two.  So far, I do feel a little more energy and I feel more alert.  I stopped taking the trazadone all together.  It was to help me sleep.  I am having a little difficulty with the sleep.  I'm waking up every few hours and dreaming like crazy.  So I'm not really resting very well like I should be. 

The doctor told me I have high triglycerides added now to my already high blood pressure, so this is stressing me out.  I'm suppose to eat right and exercise.  I did start exercising in January by getting on the treadmill and walking 35 minutes a day.  But the last few weeks I've been sick, so I've fallen off the wagon.  Now I'm having a hard time trying to get back on.  The eating is the hardest part for me.  It's hard to eat healthy when I have a small grocery budget and my hubby is not interested in eating healthy, so I can't afford to fix two separate meals.  So of course, I've been stressing about that.  All I can do is do the best that I can do. 

My mood seems to be improved with my medication change, but I'm still not sure of what all changes there will be.  I could have some anger issues with it.  Meaning I get agitated easier.  I'm not sure yet as it's only day 3 of my medication change.  Hopefully I will continue to feel better and feel like getting ready and getting out more.  I'm not sure where I would go, but I'll cross that bridge if I'm lucky enough to come to it because so far I don't like going out of the house.  It's just the initial part of getting out in public that's the hardest for me.  Usually once I'm out there I'm okay.  It's just doing it that's hardest.  So we'll see what happens.  Meantime, as I always say, I'm just taking things one day at a time.  I guess that's all for now, so until next time. 

Chapter 3, Entry 19

Today is Thursday, December 1, 2011.  Now that it's December it feels official...Christmas time is here, so now I feel the pressure and stress, not to mention depression is starting to set in.  I'm feeling the stress of finances, shopping and dealing with crowds, missing family, dealing with traffic, cleaning, putting up Christmas decorations and cooking. Christmas just isn't a good time of year for me. Just dealing with the finances of Christmas alone is depressing. This time of the year is a day to day battle for me.

I don't feel like decorating, cleaning, cooking or shopping.  And all the people going around talking about Christmas and how happy they are just makes me more depressed.  I envy what they have because I don't have it.  Christmas is suppose to be a happy and joyful time of year, when all I feel is stress and depression. 

I was already feeling pressure towards the end of November, but now that December is here it will be worse.  More and more people are talking about shopping, decorating and family.  None of those things are joyful for me, except family would be if I actually got to see them, but I don't even get to see my family for Christmas.  And the thought of going out shopping and dealing with the crowds and traffic horrifies me. 

I really don't know how I'm going to deal with it except to take things one day at a time like I usually do.  It's just that this time of year is particularly harder than any other time of the year.  On top of it all, my husband hates Christmas, so that doesn't make it easier.  If he were to be into Christmas and make it a happier time for me, then it would help me, but he just doesn't care.  How I married someone who hates Christmas is beyond me.  I never would have thought I would have.  I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. 

About the only thing I'm getting done right now is work.  I occasionally work a day or two here and there on the weekends and I barely get through that.  Only thing that gets me through that is because I need the money.  Matter of fact, I work the next two days and I'm so stressed about it already.  I have been all week.  I'm just going to do the best I can to make it through the next two days and think of the money. 

I am still not certain I am even going to put the tree up, not to mention I have no room.  But everyone says I should.  Shopping will probably be last minute.  And sadly, cleaning and cooking probably won't happen.  At least that's how it's looking now.  Well I guess that's all for now.  I'm just going to try and relax as much as I can the rest of the day before having to work the next two days.  Hopefully, I will be successful in calming down some.  So until next time.

 

Chapter 3, Entry 18

Today is Tuesday, November 15, 2011.  I've been feeling a little stressed and anxious.  My son was in a car accident and on top of it he only had liability insurance.  So first I was worried about him being hurt, but he's okay.  But he has lost his car, so now I'm worried enough for the both of us.  He's out of a car, so now he's going to have to go out and buy a new one which I'm worried about because I'm afraid he can't afford a car payment or full coverage insurance. 

So how do I stop this anxiety and worry?  He's my son and I worry.  I don't know how to stop this, but it's eating me up inside.  I'm feeling depressed and have headaches and I feel so anxious...I feel nauseated.  This is real life, not something I'm making up or something that will just go away.  It's real. 

I'm also worried about a new demo I have coming up.  I've never done this particular one before and I'm really nervous about it.  I'm afraid I won't be good enough and that I'll make a fool of myself.  I'm afraid people will ask me lots of questions to which I have no answers.  I really want to do a good job, but I'm just so anxious about it.  And I believe my feelings have real merit.  I have a real reason to feel that way. 

So as you can see, I'm full of anxiety and worry right now.  I'm feeling very depressed about it, but trying to keep my head above water.  I'm barely holding on.  At this point I don't know what I'm going to do to stop it.  If you can tell me, please do.  In the meantime, I just hope and pray this gets better and things go much better than what I think they will. 

Chapter 3, Entry 17

Today is Thursday, October 27, 2011.  Today I'm feeling a bit ansy about working the next two days.  I'm feeling some stress about it though I don't know why.  I just have that overwhelming feeling.  I know it's the same kind of work...the same thing I always do, so why I feel this way I don't know.  I'm still feeling tired.  I started taking vitamin B12 hoping that will help, it's what friends suggested, so I thought I'd give it a try.  So far, I'm still feeling tired, although I've only been taking it a week.

It really does get tiring feeling this way most of the time.  I wish I could be normal for a change.  On occasion, I feel normal, but it doesn't happen often enough nor stick around long enough.  People just don't know what it's like to feel this way all the time, they don't realize how hard it is.  I try to stay as positive as I can, but some days it just seems impossible.  Some days I really struggle to get through.  Today is one of those days.  I thought maybe if I wrote, I could get some of it out and I would feel better.  I'm going to try to change my outlook the rest of the day and see what happens, hopefully I will feel better.   So until next time.